BE KIND TO YOURSELF
Dearest warrior,
I am so, so sorry for the pain that has been forced upon you. I am so sorry that you are hurt, scared, numb, angry, broken, or any and all of which lies between… I too, have suffered in ways similar to you- So I know that there are no words within our language that I can share with you to offer solace or comfort. I wish with all my heart and soul I had a way to turn back time and save you from your suffering. I wish that I could protect you from being violated, abused, hurt—or whatever darkness occurred that has brought you here.I wish that I could make our world a safe place for all, so that you, me and every other person on the planet can life a blissful, joyous life… One can only wish…
You did not deserve to be hurt. You did not do anything wrong. This is not your fault- please, please believe me that you are not to blame. You are worthy of all that is good and pure.
Whether you have hibernated within the four walls of your bedroom, or went on a ruthless rampage, screaming into every pillow in sight; do it.
Do whatever it takes for you to survive right now- and dear warrior- give it everything you’ve got.
If you are hibernating within those four walls, then use them are your safe haven; make it cosy, make it visually pleasing, make it sound proof so you can cry or laugh or snore to your hearts content. Because you know what, dear warrior? You get to make the rules now. You are in control here. You get to decide what is best for you.
Whether you are familiar with therapy or not, although I do not wish to sway your beliefs- I gently encourage you to open your mind to the multiple opportunities available to you; when you are fully ready. It doesn’t have to be a one-to-one service nor do you even have to speak of the event(s) that took place… you could join a fitness class to release that frustration, you could read some self-help books based off of the trauma(s) you experienced or you could sit with a trusted friend or family member and say whatever words you wish. Just try not bottle it up; I learned the hard way.
No matter what, please remember this: you are not alone. You never were and you never will be. I can only speak for myself, so know at the very least, I am here and I do care. I am going to do everything within my power to prevent other people from suffering like we have, I promise.
Stay strong dearest warrior,
I believe in you,
AR
“We can do this! Each of us has the power to do whatever it takes to make it through our challenges in life”.- Iyanla Vanzan
CREATE YOUR OWN RULES
Dearest Warrior,
Look at you– your determination and your bravery… here you are; still
surviving, still committing; still a warrior. Hats off to you- I never doubted
you for a second. Because this is the thing: what we have endured- it
changes us… We find this fire within ourselves; sometimes is smoulders but
sometimes, it thrives…
Use that fire inside of you dear warrior, whether you feel it represents the
flame on the tip of a match, or the glorious size of that beautiful ball up high
in the sky that orbits around us– you have got one and you decide what to
feed it to help it grow.
Perhaps you’re pushing down all this potion of emotion you find rising within
you… maybe, you’re only thinking about it at night, or catch yourself zoning
out whilst getting lost in your thoughts… Whatever it is-it’s okay. Now may
not be the right time to push something if it’s going against your gut.
Could you focus on something else right now? Could you commit yourself
into your working life to distract your mind, set some goals in your fitness to
give yourself something positive to work towards that you find cathartic, or
simply rest and rest some more… because, who makes the rules right
now? You do.
Take back your power and take back the ownership of your life. Rather than
fighting against these feelings- go with them. Feeling angry? Hell yes! Buy
yourself some boxing gloves and go punching that big boxing back swinging
in the corner of your gym… Finding cleaning therapeutic? Scrub the hell out
of the grit within the tiles of your bathroom floor- washing them with your
tears of frustration if that’s what feels good… Have too many strong words
taking up space in your mind? write a letter to whatever monster hurt you
and then rip it up or burn it… Do whatever it takes- in my experience, the
crazier the notion, the better the release.
Have you thought some more about how brave you are now?
I do hope so.
Until next time- stand strong; I am standing right there with you.
AR
“You are not the darkness you endured. You are the light that refused to
surrender.”-John Mark Green
OKAY—HOW ARE YOU REALLY FEELING?
Dearest Warrior,
Have you been seeing our world in a different light? Perhaps with little to no
light? I remember how scared I was to walk along the streets in town- I’ll
never know which was worse: a street full of strangers, or one with nobody
at all…
You are hyper-aware and you have every reason to be… don’t resist it right
now- move within the boundaries your mind is setting for you; I’m sure this
will put your mind more at ease and right now- any level of peace you can
achieve will be your best friend.
As the saying goes, life is balance of holding on and letting go. So, what do
you feel your trauma has given you that you should hold onto? And what do
you feel your trauma has given you that you should let go of? Being aware of
people and your surroundings is not a negative thing; though, if it begins to
consume your mind and life, well- it’s not doing you much good, is it?
Learn from your trauma, dearest warrior. Find whatever shred of silver lining
you can find; whether it’s the courage to join a self-protection class to learn
skills to protect you in real life-threatening scenarios (I encourage you to do
this alongside therapy if you are suffering any form of PTSD) or whether it’s
taking a closer look at the people you in your life, questioning their values
and asking yourself if they are truly worthy of your trust… dig deep and try
your very best to take from the darkness and create a mere glimpse of light.
You are more than capable of doing this… I know this because you are a
warrior- here you are still fighting, still achieving and still only at the
beginning of a glorious growth.
I believe in you and remember: you are not alone- ever.
Stay strong,
AR
“Strength doesn’t come from what you can
do. It comes from overcoming the things
you once thought you couldn’t.”- Rikki Rogers
SELF-TALK
Dearest Warrior,
How do you communicate with yourself, my fellow warrior? Do you speak in gentle, loving language, or do you talk down to yourself, adding stress, resentment or any other kind of negativity?
Most of us aren’t fully aware of exactly what language we use internally… I sure didn’t! But that didn’t matter—not once I learned how to look inside
without judgement and change the narrative.
Picture this: you are at a bedside, caring for a loved one. They are very ill and need lots of care and rest… You care for them- but you don’t just bring them
water and tuck them in… no.
You stroke their head and hold their hand, you gently feed them their favourite food, you tell them stories and use such beautiful, gentle language that their lips curl into a smile and they sigh with relief, knowing they are safe and knowing they have been saved.
Let’s get you caring for yourself like that then, shall we?
It doesn’t mean to overindulge when you feel strong enough to stay disciplined, or to quit your commitments and lay in the bed—not unless
these are the things you need to do right now in order to heal…
It can mean checking in with yourself mentally, a few times a day… Commending yourself for any “little” wins you’ve had that day… It can mean banning negative self- talk and replacing it with wholesome encouragement. Does it sound impossible? No-
Nothing is impossible for you, dearest warrior.
Nothing.
Let’s get you receiving the level of love you deserve.
Always with you & sending my love,
AR
“It’s not what you say out of your mouth that determines your life, it’s what you whisper to yourself that has the most power.” – Robert T. Kiyosaki
TRANSFORM & THRIVE
Dearest Warrior,
Do you know the limit to self- transformation? No? Me neither…because that limit just does not exist.
The brutal experiences I have faced in life seemed to mold a brutal form of me and who I was inside; the fear, anger and sadness all consumed me. Far beyond what would be considered as a reasonable time-frame to recover and rebuild, I found myself sinking deeper into the never ending darkness.
I do not want this for you, dearest warrior… No- I want you to thrive. I want you to transform into the fiercest, most inspirational version of yourself that you could ever create. I want you to find yourself lost for words when the multiple doors of opportunity invite you through… when you fall in love with your soulmate… when you shake the hand of a person that hands you the keys to the home that only you own…
See- the opportunities are endless- so bright and beautiful that it makes me feel butterflies in my tummy in excitement for you right now. Do you feel them too?
Try spending some time within your thoughts today and see how strong your butterflies can be only allow that positivity to shine through them all.
Your future is bigger and brighter than the sun above– you just have to see it and feel it to believe in it.
I am so, truly proud of you, dearest warrior.
Our transformational strengths will help us stand together- I just know it.
Until then, know that you are always in my heart.
AR
“Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by the people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all.” –Dale Carnegie
THAT BRIGHT, BRIGHT FUTURE
Dearest warrior,
Let me paint a picture of the future I see for you…
It goes like this… You wake up in the morning, smiling with content after the perfect night’s sleep.
You hop out of the bed and dance around your room while you go about your morning routine. You catch a glimpse of yourself while twirling past the mirror and it pulls you back… You stare a moment at the beautifully brave warrior glowing back at you and– you exhale. You have finally made it; that storm, the horrific nightmare you found yourself in, has passed. All is still and peaceful now.
And warrior- you did not just overcome it- you thrived from the darkest depths of your traumas. It almost broke you; every time that you hit rock bottom, you realised the last depth wasn’t actually the bottom, and this suffering was on repeat for what felt like an eternity. You doubted yourself, your life and every aspect of the world around you… but that strength- that fire inside of you, it burned nevertheless; even if it was a mere smolder at times…
It felt like suddenly, all the suffering vanished: you found yourself talking more, laughing and smiling naturally again… you started to notice the worlds hidden beauty in the most unexpected places- like within a weed or a derelict building… and perhaps that’s because they resembled something you felt within yourself; a rare beauty that only the wise may see…
Within this vision I also see you celebrating your physical and emotional body in all its gloriousness;
You dress the way that you want to dress for YOU-
You enjoy being intimate, by little or large, the way YOU want it and with who YOU want, as seldom or as often as your body naturally desires-
You found physical and emotional strength within all of your senses, in ways you could never possibly imagine some time ago…
You excel in what you are passionate about; be it a promotion in your career, crushing personal bests within your fitness life and/or achieving total and utter greatness within a soul project that birthed from your darkness- you did it.
Let me be the first to say, I am so bloody proud of you! I always knew you had it in you- because you are a warrior… a mighty one at that.
Forever with you,
AR
“Feel pain, grieve, be hurt and embrace it… but never give up hope. Things will get better. The world will be better.”-Cameron Kasky
ACCEPTING YOUR NEW SELF
Dearest Warrior,
Are you grieving for the person you once were? Do you long for the personality that once shone through your bright smile? I did too… I had a broken heart missing the innocent, playful person I once was. I found I could no longer make decisions without the “what ifs” and the anxious premeditated foul play that was on repeat in my mind… I found my style changed; not only in how I dressed myself but also in the language I used, the company I kept and the habits I created.
But do you know what I realised, dearest warrior?
I learned that it’s more than okay to change- honestly, it’s beautiful. If the change is coming from a sense of blame, resentment or any other kind of negativity then I encourage you to address that; because you are never to blame, you should never resent yourself and you must remember that the power is now in your hands, right?
Right! You are the creator of your own life dear warrior- no other person holds that power over you.
You can find joy in creating this “new version” of yourself; play with styles of clothes, hobbies—even your career… because if it doesn’t bring you joy—then what is the point?
If you resent anything, let it be the limitations we create for ourselves. Break free from the mind-sets that hold darkness over you and instead, be like a seed; flourish and bloom.
Get pen to paper, positive words in your self-talk and visions in your minds-eye… whatever works for you- do it and enjoy every second. You have to see it to become it- and you already have it within you.
Whether we are ever completely finished transforming ourselves or not- that I don’t know… I do believe that we experience, we learn & we grow and everything together creates the person our near future needs us to be…
Think about it and love yourself every step of the process.
I believe in you.
AR
“And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm is all about.”— Haruki Murakami
Dearest Warrior,
Let me share something with you that I learned…
Sometimes, without knowing, we extend our own suffering and include traumatic triggers in our every-day lives. We do this innocently in ways that are difficult to identify. It can be hidden in the music we listen to, the clothes we dress in, the language we speak and the simple habits we complete throughout the day… of course if we were aware of how damaging these ‘little things’ are to us, we would change them- right?
So let us do that.
Let us evaluate our lives, in a healthy, positive experience. Let us acknowledge what steps we take, that we must take away, for our greater good.
detox
INFORMAL
noun
a process or period of time in which one abstains from or rids the body of toxic or unhealthy substances; detoxification.
For me personally, I found the music I was listening to was toxic.
The clothes I felt I needed to wear, in order to ‘feel good’ about myself, were unhealthy.
Something I mention a lot—the language I used towards myself was most definitely ugly,
And the company I kept was very negative too…
I had to literally detoxify my life– throw out these bad habits and negative situations I found myself in—and guess what, dear warrior—it worked.
Rather than listening to music that made me feel sad or angry, I started playing music that uplifted me, that gave me energy and empowered me.
Rather than wearing clothes that made me feel unworthy, or ‘to blame’, I wore clothes that actually felt comfortable to me and at times, made me feel beautiful in the ways that I wanted.
I reminded myself all of the time that I was the opposite to the negative self-talk I had endured; I was not powerless, I was not damaged and I was more than worthy of love and more than capable of brilliance…. And guess what dearest warrior…
So are you.
So, this life- detox– it worked so well that I found a part of me I had bid farewell to a very long time ago. Finding that beautiful light inside of me again lifted me up and those around me too…
Take a little look at your daily habits warrior—and then some… Without being too extreme, ask yourself if the steps you take every day add to your positivity or your negativity. You will know the answer.
And remember: when you remove a ‘bad habit’ you should replace it with a positive one. No matter what you find within that brilliant life of yours, you are most definitely able to replace it or change it with positivity.
I am so excited for you, to see just how much love & joy you can create for yourself.
Until next time, give yourself a hug from me.
Never alone dear warrior… never.
AR
“We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act but a habit.”—Will Durant
Dearest Warrior,
Do you ever feel exhausted being the ‘strong’ one? The brave, the courageous, the fierce?
I do… Sometimes when people tell me how strong I am I actually feel like screaming.
Today I was brought straight back to the worst memory. I was transported back into the moments when that fear consumed me, and I felt it all over again, completely. I could see the room so clearly that it made my body shake almost as much as it was back then. It’s terrifying.
I wasn’t in a position to allow this to consume me though; life goes on—and my life certainly had greater plans for me today; plans that had no allowance for trauma.
I took my few deep breaths and pushed down the tears because I knew if I let them out, I would fail at something very important. Every single second my body battled with me to face these fierce feelings rising up inside of me, but I won. Let me tell you how…
Your ‘why’ is going to be incredibly important to your healing journey, and not just in the early days. Here I am, 5 years past that brutal experience and I realised today that it is still with me, even though I have done everything I can to remove that first experience from my life. The reality is, it will never leave me; it’s part of who I am now because it helped create the me that is here and now. For that, I am grateful. So, in these moments, rather than allowing it to consume me and destroy the opportunities before me, I think about my ‘why’, and that supports me all the way.
My why is my son; because he deserves the best, strongest, most capable Mother. My why is our future; because the work I am doing will hopefully create a better one, that prevents anyone from ever suffering in the ways we have. My why is also you; the people I wish to help; because you deserve absolute greatness and you are absolute greatness, and I will not let you down.
Through my deep breaths, I remembered these reasons and truly felt the power behind them. My why helps me regain my strength and take it back from my abuser. He never deserved to have it in the first place, and I most certainly will not allow him to have it again.
I am bigger than that, and so are you. These moments that we have where we are transported back- they are normal… and perhaps important too? Maybe we should recognise our trauma when it knocks us, in the way that we want to; filtering through the haze to find a silver lining. I believe I experienced these things for a reason; to help others and to fuel a fire big enough to create a change.
So, my dearest warrior, can you find your why? Reach deep down within you and find your reason to continue standing so strong. And then go out and live your life so brilliantly that when you look back in years to come, you are inspired.
I believe in you. Believe in yourself too.
AR
“Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will.”
— Mahatma Gandhi
THAT COURTROOM ANXIETY
Dearest Warrior,
So, you are going to court. Let me be the first to commend you on your bravery for pressing charges; you are doing the right thing. Though that doesn’t mean it will be an easy experience- you have the strength and courage that it takes within you to make it through.
There is a very different world within the walls of a courtroom and it can be intimidating walking into that room. You may have to face the person(s) that hurt you and listen to statements that may upset you; this is where that fire within you must thrive. Never forget that you are the most important person in that room, dear warrior- never forget.
Have you organised a court buddy from the victims support services? For some people it can be a difficult decision to make; you may feel too vulnerable or scared to allow a stranger to come into your space at such an important time… and that’s okay. Just remember that the people who assist victims in a courtroom understand; the court system, the schedule and also how you are feeling- to the best of their abilities. They can sit right next to you or they can sit at the back of the room. They can organise a victims support room to bring you comfort and privacy, where they can prepare you a little more before your case is called. It is a great service and although I was apprehensive, I was very relieved to have that extra support during the multiple cases I endured… Consider it for yourself dear warrior; take help where it is offered, relieve stress where you can and be kind to yourself.
When you walk into that room, try taking some long, deep breaths. There is no rush on you at any stage of this process; whether you have the Gardai, a solicitor, a victims support member… whoever it may be in that room with you and for you- they will understand you taking time to emotionally prepare at any and all steps throughout the case. If you don’t feel like this is being communicated enough, then with all of your strength, communicate that one thing. The rest will flow once everyone is more aware of your emotions.
With every breath you take, remember I am there with you. I have stood where you stand and most likely felt similar emotions to yours. I have cried, I have howled, I have almost dropped pages and tripped over with the shakes… and that is okay. I survived; and so will you.
In the toughest moments, close your eyes and visualise me standing with there with you, holding your hand if you like. Look a little further and see all the other warriors near and far standing right there with you too; all standing fiercely, with and for you.
You are not alone; you never have been and you never will be.
And remember, dear warrior, your bravery is limitless.
AR
“If you can’t fly, then run. If you can’t run, then walk. If you can’t walk, then crawl. But whatever you do, keep moving.” –Martin Luther King Jr.
THAT COURTROOM ANXIETY
Dearest Warrior,
So, you are going to court. Let me be the first to commend you on your bravery for pressing charges; you are doing the right thing. Though that doesn’t mean it will be an easy experience- you have the strength and courage that it takes within you to make it through.
There is a very different world within the walls of a courtroom and it can be intimidating walking into that room. You may have to face the person(s) that hurt you and listen to statements that may upset you; this is where that fire within you must thrive. Never forget that you are the most important person in that room, dear warrior- never forget.
Have you organised a court buddy from the victims support services? For some people it can be a difficult decision to make; you may feel too vulnerable or scared to allow a stranger to come into your space at such an important time… and that’s okay. Just remember that the people who assist victims in a courtroom understand; the court system, the schedule and also how you are feeling- to the best of their abilities. They can sit right next to you or they can sit at the back of the room. They can organise a victims support room to bring you comfort and privacy, where they can prepare you a little more before your case is called. It is a great service and although I was apprehensive, I was very relieved to have that extra support during the multiple cases I endured… Consider it for yourself dear warrior; take help where it is offered, relieve stress where you can and be kind to yourself.
When you walk into that room, try taking some long, deep breaths. There is no rush on you at any stage of this process; whether you have the Gardai, a solicitor, a victims support member… whoever it may be in that room with you and for you- they will understand you taking time to emotionally prepare at any and all steps throughout the case. If you don’t feel like this is being communicated enough, then with all of your strength, communicate that one thing. The rest will flow once everyone is more aware of your emotions.
With every breath you take, remember I am there with you. I have stood where you stand and most likely felt similar emotions to yours. I have cried, I have howled, I have almost dropped pages and tripped over with the shakes… and that is okay. I survived; and so will you.
In the toughest moments, close your eyes and visualise me standing with there with you, holding your hand if you like. Look a little further and see all the other warriors near and far standing right there with you too; all standing fiercely, with and for you.
You are not alone; you never have been and you never will be.
And remember, dear warrior, your bravery is limitless.
AR
“If you can’t fly, then run. If you can’t run, then walk. If you can’t walk, then crawl. But whatever you do, keep moving.” –Martin Luther King Jr.
INTIMACY
Dearest warrior,
So, you are struggling with intimacy and you are surprised by this because of how far you have come… may I share some insight? That struggle, is absolutely-totally acceptable. You see, your healing journey isn’t linear- oh no… Just to be the cherry on top of your suffering, you will have times that feel like setbacks- I am sorry to say this, but perhaps accept that a little more dear warrior; I fear that it will occur more regularly than you anticipate.
But let’s not dwell on that negative, because once we are totally aware of the issue at hand, we can address, adapt and overcome, right?
Sit within your newest realisation for a moment and explore every corner it has. See it fully- understand what it is that you’re working with here… and then, trust yourself to know what tools you already have to manage this for your greater good.
I laughed at myself the first time that notion hit me- unfortunately it did not arrive on the first or second time I had struggled with this issue either… it came much later for me; and still I was in disbelief, refusing to allow it the attention my gut told me it would… Finally I caved to the idea because, well- it was worth a try in my opinion… and just like always, my gut had been right all along.
I learned that I was capable of doing this thing… eh–communicating? Who knew! Who knew just how acceptable it is to communicate your raw, honest feelings right within a live moment- with somebody else outside of your inner dialogue… it’s bizarre- yet, much more comfortable than I had envisioned… Because you see, now with your new “hyper-sensitivity” you have created a filter that allows only the good and pure to get through… so when you find yourself in a position where intimacy is on the cards, then remember that you have already done what you can to find someone trusting and worthy.
And warrior- this is only one of the tools you already possess that can de-escalate and transform such a heightened moment in time.
Remember- you are NEVER alone.
Until our next chat,
AR
“Instead of saying ‘I’m damaged, I’m broken, I have trust issues’, say ‘I’m healing, I’m rediscovering myself, I’m starting over.” – Horacio Jones
FINDING YOUR POST-TRAUMA PURPOSE
Dearest warrior,
Respecting yourself, admiring yourself… holding yourself to a higher value: it all accumilates within your self-esteem. Your self-esteem is a reflection of how you perceive yourself, reflective of your self-respect and self-admiration.
Has your self-esteem been low? Are you reading this realising that you may not have respect or admiration for yourself? I never knew these went hand-in-hand until I started feeling guilty for being proud of my efforts and then it was all made clear…
The trauma(s) you have endured are going to leave their mark; if not, then they wouldn’t be considered traumatic. Naturally, we all tend to look inwards when considering our self-worth- especially after experiencing things of a traumatic nature. I hope at this stage of your healing journey you know now that’s not the view to have, but if it is, let’s work on that together.
As humans, we thrive on purpose: our lives revolve around our main purpose in life- and there can be multiple! When you succeed in any area of your life and feel proud of yourself for what you have accomplished, then you have felt the feeling of knowing your purpose- or at least one of them.
After your world has turned upside down and you are finding your feet as you build back up the blocks that structure your life, try remember that feeling and ask yourself what part of previous accomplishments made you feel great… I’d imagine self-esteem was high during this accomplishment? I’d imagine, in some way- directly or indirectly, you are helping others and using your personal values and/or knowledge, to create positivity…? In turn that boosted your self-esteem and such was a happy life? Generally- yes, this is the case. So, how do we get back there?
Perhaps your values have changed… Maybe you need change in a big area within your life because of your trauma(s) and now you are feeling low self-worth and low self-esteem because you can’t find a way to admire yourself within that change… your career, partner, social life, image, beliefs: these are all significant areas within your life but my dear warrior- who controls them? You do.
So, let’s take what you have learned from the negative and respect the boundaries you want in place to avoid hurt and pain, so that you can feel great about yourself again. What way can you feel like you are accomplishing something within these safer boundaries? What way can you apply life’s lessons and feel like what you’re doing is achieving something great once again? Can you find a way to put some of that traumatic experience into your purpose to add value to your life and even maybe, the lives of others too?
Whatever it is-just do: when we are actively striving to accomplish, we don’t tend to look inwards and reduce our self-esteem because we are taking the steps needed to reach that accomplishment… So this is your message that now is the time to get back out there: whatever way it may be- your self-esteem can’t change until your routine does.
Find something that ticks your boxes and go for it! My advice is to start small: if it’s a great big goal you have then well done you- but let’s break that one big goal into lots of smaller goals so that you can feel that sense of accomplishment multiple times throughout your journey. Map it out mentally or physically for you to see and summon whatever self-admiration you can find to begin this journey into happiness once again.
And if you have set backs? Then you have set backs- are you going to let them stop you?
Well, only you can decide.
Remember that I, and many others before us, have paved that path and brightened it up for you.
You are never alone.
Until next time,
AR
“We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars”- Oscar Wilde
Here you will find letters that have been submitted by members of the public.
If you see a black heart on a letter, your writer is showing you that they too, are a warrior.
Dear Warrior,
You inspire me. You inspire all other survivors. You inspire the ones in the dark, their secret hidden away until their time comes. You inspire the ones in the light, who won’t let their name or story extinguish their fire.
I’ve experienced two instances in my life of assault. One when I was 17, the other when I was 27.
17 year old me was extremely drunk at a friend’s house, drinking too much from stress, worry, neglect .. you name it. There were only friends there that night. The friend who helped me into bed when I was on the verge of passing out was still there the next morning. I had woken during the night to find him on top of me, then beside me, stroking my arm, kissing my hand… It was a vivid dream, I told myself. I was paralyzed from the alcohol, I couldn’t move an inch. It’s okay, it’s just a dream.. until I seen him the next morning, and I know. The soreness, the shame, the feeling of wanting to crawl out of my skin… He admitted it, at a push, months later. Said he was sorry, wanted to be friends but I pushed it away. In my mind, as long as I knew the truth, it would all be okay. How wrong I was.
27 year old me, freshly 27, was seeing a man a little older casually. Made arrangements to see him and during the intimacy, he slapped me so hard I could see stars. My mind was blank, reeling from both pain and slight shock. He told me we were going to do a specific act, one I wouldn’t normally agree to. I said okay. Seconds in, I said no and asked to stop, only to be held down and ignored. I remember screaming, thinking how could the others in the house not hear me? It felt like hours but it was maybe a few minutes before he stopped. The pain was so intense I had to lie there for a few minutes after, before dragging myself up, getting dressed and trying to drive home. The pain was so intense I could barely sit in my car. I text friends to see who was awake but no one answered. I came home and cleaned myself up; the amount of blood was a shock, the grazes everywhere… I fell into bed in a mix of tears and shame. He has never admitted to what he did, even when I asked how he had not heard me say no and to stop at least 4 times. He was adamant he never heard. I blocked him on everything but even years later, he tries to connect with me on dating apps. In his head, he has done nothing wrong.
He even had me convinced he did nothing wrong, that it was somehow my fault.
Weeks after, I met someone else and during the first time we were intimate, the same situation arose but instead of being ignored, he stopped immediately and asked was I alright.
It was in that exact moment I realised that previous man had raped me, I’ll never forget it. It was like a cloud of smoke just evaporated and the truth was there.
I began to compartmentalise and block everything out and over the next 2 years (up till now), I spiralled. I spiralled in my work life. I spiralled in my love life and had intense ups and downs. I spiralled in my family life.
I got counselling for the event when I was 17, following a suicide attempt at 25. I was able to work through it and somehow accept it, not blame myself… How was I going to start again with this?
I felt so low during the summer that I began writing to people who I’d fallen out with, apologising, in case I never got to make amends with them again. I was done. I was finished with this world, as far as I was concerned. I made plans for what to say to my friends, family… I double checked my work scheme to make sure they’d get money for a funeral…
Until I told myself, one more day. Just give yourself one more day. And that’s what I did. The next day, I rang a therapist and started intensive therapy the following week.
If you feel lost, alone, ashamed, like you’re at the end of the world with no point of return, please give it one more day. One more shot. You are not alone in this, you’ll never be alone. You’ll never be the one to blame. You’ll never be weak for asking for help. You’ll never be less of a human because of what some person decided to inflict on you.
Allow yourself the bad days. Allow yourself the setbacks. Allow yourself some grace and see how far you have come, and imagine how far you will be in years ahead. It is sometimes impossible to see the light ahead, the best years ahead of you, the light after the intense dark… But it is there for you. I promise. 
Thank you A for making this space possible, your bravery has stunned me and I’m proud to know you. X
Dear warrior 
first I have to say how much I admire you for what you’re doing. You’re one strong, brave and inspiring person.
As a nurse that helped me a lot once said to me ‘what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger’ and boy was she right. I truly believe that you don’t get over something like this happening to you but you learn to live with it and you also realise that all those things you use to worry about like the house being tidy etc don’t really matter in the long run.
Now to tell you my story……I got married at 23 which was the average age around that time – 1985. My ex husband didn’t drink, was a great worker and a kind friendly man. However 3 years in to the marriage he changed completely. We had a beautiful daughter by then whom I really adored and would have done anything for. He started by putting me down all the time and passing remarks about my appearance, how I dressed, how I spoke etc. but never in front of other people. Now I can’t sing to save myself but I was always singing around the house……however this stopped completely. Around this time we decided to try for a second child but as the what I much later realised was emotional abuse worsened I became reluctant to have another child at that time. He also showed no interest at all in our daughter by then and in fact used to hurt me by saying cruel things to her.
That’s when the sexual abuse started, again I didn’t realise what it was as such at the time as he always said to me afterwards that it was my fault, that I made him do it and I thought your husband couldn’t rape you but let me tell you rape is rape whether you’re married to that person or not. I became pregnant with our second child whom I loved unconditionally from the moment I knew I was pregnant. The rape continued during the pregnancy, I haemorrhaged a lot after my son was born and it continued on and off for a year during which time I was raped continuously. He showed no interest in our son either and again was cruel to him to hurt me. He never brought the kids anywhere and very rarely came anywhere with us as a family.
He would pick fights with me constantly and with the kids. I suggested marriage guidance counselling on several occasions but he just laughed at me. You’re probably thinking why didn’t I leave him but we were living with my parents and at that time in rural Ireland divorce was still a rare occurrence and I was too ashamed to admit to anyone what was going on.
The beatings had become common by then, never on the face- he was very clever that way. I nearly always wore long sleeves and polo necks even in the summer to cover the bruises. Catching me by the throat and squeezing was common also. Now you’re probably wondering how my parents didn’t realise what was going on but my god was he clever and again I did everything I could to cover it up. He would sit at the table as if nothing had happened when they would be commenting on why I had so much clothes on in summer and he’d laugh at me.
He never went to any of the school concerts, meetings or to anything the kids were involved in or never drove them to any training etc.
It went on like this for years until my daughter came in to the bedroom one night – she was 14 at the time – and caught him with me up against the wardrobe with his hands tight around my throat, I really think he would have killed me that night if it hadn’t been for her but I would have given anything for her never to have had to see that.
He left the next day! No emotion leaving the kids at all. I was a nervous wreck at this stage, every ounce of confidence I had was gone. He left us in a complete mess financially also, he had got massive loans in our joint names forging my signature – again this was easier to do back then.
We got a legal separation and he agreed to pay maintenance which he paid only once by throwing it in through the car window at my daughter! He never met with the kids, would arrange to meet them, then let them down at the last minute.
As time went on my daughter told me that he beat her a couple of days after she getting her tonsils out when myself and my parents were at a family funeral. This was when she was 12. My poor gentle father also admitted he had beaten him. I always took the beatings, rape etc to protect them and my parents as he used to threaten to beat them. Imagine how I felt when I knew he had done it anyway. But worse was to come…..when my son was 12 he told us that his father had been abusing him, I’ll never forget that night, my daughter kept crying ‘not my little brother’. I felt a complete failure as a mother, how could this have gone on without my knowledge, my job as a mother was to protect my children surely.
It took a lot of counselling for both my children especially my son and myself but eventually we got there. We had a lot of setbacks there’s no denying that but he’s nothing to me now, I won’t allow him that power any longer. It broke my trust completely in people especially men and it took many years before I was able to trust again. My friends were absolutely amazing, their support was just unreal. But I survived and I’m definitely a stronger person now….a different person but a stronger one.
To all the warriors out there – no matter how bad things are you’ll get there – you’ve got to believe that and you’re not alone- there’s always help available – just don’t be afraid to ask or ashamed to let people know. You’re not to blame in any way xx
And again to AR thank you from the bottom of my heart
you have been so brave to do this and to make it possible for us fellow warriors to speak out xx
Dearest Warrior,
Be proud of how far you have come. Life has been a struggle. You have a great support support system in place; use it. Rely on friends & family.
Know that it is okay to cry, scream, be mad, feel depressed and frustrated at people. Life is challenging you right now, just remember you can do this.
You are out of that shadow; that dark place, now. That person cannot control you anymore.
You are independent and strong and you now know what you can deal with.
Life is a roller-coaster but when you get to the end you will have come through some tremendous struggles but you will be able to walk away with your head held high, knowing you stood up for what was right and against a person who done you wrong.
Continue to ask questions of people i.e. in the legal system, your therapist, whoever you feel comfortable talking to. You may not always get an answer but where possible, give people the option to come back to you if they themselves don’t know.
Be proud of how you have come forward from your abuser.
They can’t hurt you anymore.
*This writer reported her abusers and both have been charged.
Dear Warrior,
I am so very pleased for you that you are treating yourself so kindly, to allow yourself to enjoy and accept this beautiful time that has been sent to you.
Feelings can control our days, some will be positive, some will be negative.
Please focus with me. Remember a time you truly felt love, focus on a gift from someone very special, a memory or a gesture- do you remember the warmth from that feeling?
Let it begin inside your body and allow it to radiate through your skin and beam from your body.
I would love if you would reward yourself each morning by attracting positivity into your day. The energy you project will bounce back to you.
This is for you, you absolutely deserve to feel this positive vibe. Do this each morning and I promise you dear warrior, your days will be brighter, your heart will be warmer and your positivity will be infectious.
Enjoy xxx
Dear Aoife,
Thank you for these letters, they are exactly what the world needs to here.
I have my trial starting 20th November, it’s been over 3 years since the trauma and the trial is finally around the corner I don’t know how to feel apart from a pit in my stomach and a pain in my head, the month ahead for me right now is very unknown..
I’m a lucky one tho, I have a little boy who I get to wake up and look after every day, if it wasn’t for him I don’t know where I’d find the strength to get through each day..
thank you for these letters and opportunity to share some of this dark story that wouldn’t be welcome anywhere else X
DEAREST WARRIOR, I WOULD LIKE TO RESPOND TO YOU…
Dearest E,
Can I start by saying how proud I am to see you find the strength to fight for justice? It is a very honorable decision to make and one that is not made easy; I am sure that your reason to do this is similar to most of ours- and it takes exceptional determination to do something so brave. Well done to you- you are playing a vital role, protecting and standing up for all other warriors near and far. I commend you.
Let me share with you that I too will be in court this month, so if you see me there and want to reach out to me, please do; we are in this together. I have access to a victims support room where you can relax and have your support group or time for yourself during the hearing- whatever you wish, please come to me if you need that access.
I too have the pit in my stomach, because it really is normal. When you feel that feeling, try take a deep breath and know, at the very least, that every other warrior is with you there in spirit and you have had the immense strength to bring you to that moment, so that strength will see you through it.
We both have little boys in our lives that bring us courage and love each day and I am so happy for you that you have that pure love each day; the love that you deserve.
I wish you the very best of luck going forward dearest warrior,
Thank you for sharing your story, please remember you are never alone.
AR
X
